27/4/2007
30 things that will assure you'll die alone
This is a response to the article 50 Things She Wishes You Knew that was popular just a while ago on digg. I did not read any of the other user's own rebuttal lists because, frankly, who has the time to go through all that shit. And I happen to a have a mind of my own so it's just a coincidence if anything looks like something someone said out there.
1. Saying "I love you" immediately before, during, or following sex doesn't count.
What's so bad in saying it when we're overflowing with passion? It's not our fault that what gets you on this mood is something like watching us playing with kids, doing dishes or just sitting around in our pajamas reading a newspaper. In fact it's creepy. We always get the feeling that it's mostly because you were reminded of your father figure at that moment.
2. Real men drive stick shift.
Well, real women stay home for the kids.
3. I will leave if you lie.
Ok - only if it works both ways. By the way, I will leave you if you cheat, and I don't care how you justify it. "I needed to be sure it was not gonna build up into something serious", "I needed to know how I really feel about us" or "I needed to feel another person for the last time" won't work, and in fact will make you look pathetic. You're better off just saying you did it for the lulz.
4. "Fine" is never an appropriate response when I ask you how I look.
Honestly, have any human ever given an appropriate response for that? No. I've been doing some heavy thinking on this and I came to the conclusion that only Deep Thought did. Yes, the exact right answer is "42".
5. Only rock stars are allowed to wear leather pants.
And yet somehow raglan-sleeved T-shirts are fair game.
6. I'm scared of losing my independence.
Then don't. Get to know yourself and don't overreact because you can't judge things properly.
7. I'm more forgiving of you than I really should be.
First, this is something you can say to me if I ever:
- turn out to be found guilty of a hideous crime such as rape, murder, necrophilia, pedophilia or any other sick stuff;
- cheat on you and you still choose to be with me, if I ask you to;
- Support the RIAA or break the law in any other way that will result in an annoyance for you.
Now, if you ever open your mouth to say something like that to me simply because I do not meet your hopes, ideals and dreams of a perfect Ken doll, we are through.
8. Oral sex is your get-out-of-the-doghouse-free card. Manolo Blahnik shoes also do the trick.
Real men choose oral sex over shoes.
9. You did something bad. I seem cool with it. I'm not. (See directly above.)
Whatever. You think you were the first woman to ever treat me like that? I got fed up with that attitude long before I met you, so you're wasting your time. Instead of obsessing over what I could possibly have done wrong and how to remedy it, I'd rather just wait until you're in the mood for oral sex.
10. If I'm not having sex with you, I'm... a. ...having a fat day. b. ...not feeling "connected" to you. c. ...blackmailing you to get something I want.
If you're not having sex with me, I'm masturbating.
11. Shoes determine whether you're fashionable or not.
Ok, see, if I listened to your fashion tips I'd have to go look for a pair of fancy shoes to match my baseball shirt.
12. I own a Debbie Gibson CD, and I'm not afraid to use it.
Hey, do you feel like listening to what I used to like back in my teens? Old school Metallica is AWESOME!!!
13. When I compare my flabby tummy to a kangaroo pouch, say nothing.
But then you'll force me to. And this never ends well. So I'd rather just say anything that will maximize my chances of getting laid in the near future. I know it sounds bad, but you should be flattered because it means you look good.
14. A man I love plans the occasional fancy-schmancy dress-up date and impromptu weekend getaways, and he buys my favorite candy in advance when we're just going to the movies.
I actually enjoy doing that because this is the kind of stuff that really gets you to tell people good things about me, and I like people to think good things about me. No, it's not selfish; evolutionary biology says it's ok.
15. You look hot in hooded clothing items.
Ok I really tried to overlook your baseball fetish but this is just too much. Your random "fashion expertise" keeps popping over. You really think you have good taste because you like expensive shoes? I think I have better taste for not being hypnotized by a label.
16. You should never tell me what to do.
Finally something we agree on! You see, that's the kind of thing that really makes people connect. I love you.
17. If I slept over, you owe me breakfast.
Sure, I'll just set it to snooze for just five more minutes...
18. My breasts love much licking and sucking.
Yeah, but it's up to me to figure out when it starts to get boring. When we're talking and you don't like where the conversation is heading, you make sure to let me know. Why can't you just do that when we're in bed and I'm so close to telling you how I feel about you?
19. I want to be Madonna.
See, that's the kind of stuff that makes me cringe occasionally. But I just sucked your titties so it's ok.
20. If you ask me out directly, I will say yes.
If you had gave me any indication of that sooner, I would have. I was too busy trying to come up with something clever just for you because my whole life I was led to believe that this was the right approach.
21. You're sexy when you're shaving, fixing things, wearing a white T-shirt and jeans, driving, eating a peach, holding a baby.
See, there's the father figure thing kicking in again... I'm just as comfortable with that as you are with the idea of possibly replacing my mother. How would your breasts love much licking and sucking now?
22. I need to hear how you feel about me. Often. Tell me now.
You only feel that way because I don't do it often. If I did it'd quickly become a bore and you'd lose interest; or even respect; for me.
Once, during a period of deep infatuation, I made the mistake of being this dream man you speak so much of. One day my love told me the flowers I gave her the week before were in her room's trash bin because she had not had the time to find a proper place for them yet.
If you really feel like being that kind of man (we all do, occasionally) do all that dreamy stuff only when you know it will mean something for both of you. If you're not sure, save it for later. A good indication that she's not interested is if her eyes do not sparkle as much as they used to. If you're what most people would consider to be normal, be confident that you can sense this.
If anything, the delay will cause it to look random and make her appreciate it even more. Like when you finally help around the house.
23. I want to be the best thing that ever happened to you--and for you to recognize this.
Wow, that's needy. Anyway, if you really turn out to be the best thing that ever happened to me, I'll simply have no way of even knowing it other than by recognizing it, will I?
If I don't seem to recognize it, it's either because a) you're not the best thing that ever happened to me, or b) you're too good to me. It happens. Instead of nagging me to death, why don't we just move on?
If you think b is the case and feel that you must stay with me until I come to my senses you have a martyr issue and should probably look for help too. And leave me alone for a while. It will be the best for both of us.
24. If I'm not feeling loved, I will start looking...
You will do the same if you're feeling bored, scared of losing your independence, of turning into your mother, your sister, your dog, etc. Don't try to threat, blackmail or intimidate me. If you have something to say, say it -- and be ready to debate. You'll surely end up making accusations and unless I see some direct evidence that you have reasonable ground for feeling whatever you feel, I won't go looking for something to "improve", simply because I don't know what it is.
And that doesn't mean I don't "get you" and that I would "get you" if I "really loved" you. It means you're not making any fucking sense.
25. I love it when you're sweaty.
Cool, since when?
26. I like porn.
AWESOME. Although I have to ask: since when?
27. It's cheating as soon as you're doing something with her that you wouldn't want me to see, hear, read...
...be a part of... Anyway, see #3.
28. For the record: I'd rather you break up with me than cheat.
No shit. Anyway, for legal reasons, see #3 again.
29. I remember everything about our relationship.
Haha, remember like the third time we had sex and I accidentally poked you in the butt? And then you were pissed for a couple minutes but after some oral sex we were ok? That was funny. Hahaha. Yeah. So. Is that move getting clearance anytime soon? Because I could use a good laugh. Or surprise buttseks.
30. You should know all this and more with-out my telling you.
...or else you'll feel like you're more forgiving of me than you really should be? That's cute. In all seriousness, though, how did you get by so far saying stuff like that? I don't want to spend my time with you thinking what would Jesus do. Anyway, you should check #16 again. I was starting to have fun but this really ruined the whole thing for me.
The other 20 things on the list I either didn't have a problem with or are not sure to make you die alone, so consider them at your own risk.
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